Yes, it pays to approach things with care and kindness.
But… sometimes, what we really need is a good, old-fashioned kick in the pants.
Like when we procrastinate getting out of our bed in the morning and spend countless minutes scrolling our phones.
Or when we try to come up with every excuse in the book why we can’t do something (when we totally can!).
Tough love isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, Wikipedia defines tough love as:
“the act of treating a person sternly or harshly with the intent to help them in the long run.”
In other words, it’s not a bad thing. Rather, it’s something we all need once and a while.
In the right situation and circumstance, tough love can be just what we need to grow—and flourish! I mean, I hate to say it, but we’re all pretty good at lying to ourselves sometimes. So much so (and yup, I’m guilty right there with you) that it clouds our abilities and prevents us from achieving our full potential.
So, let’s talk about it.
- Do you need some tough love?
- What are some signs you might?
Keep reading to find out!
What’s the Problem With Positive Reinforcement?
Don’t get me wrong; positive reinforcement has its place.
Those daily motivational quotes flooding your social media feed can be a nice pick-me-up. They can inspire us to take action and help us feel better about life in general (which can be pretty dang difficult sometimes!).
But let’s face it: There are times when a gentle pat on the back just doesn’t cut it.
When you’ve been stuck in the same rut for months, or when you keep making excuses for not pursuing your dreams, a softly-softly approach might be doing more harm than good.
Constant coddling can create a false sense of progress.
It’s like applying a band-aid to a wound that needs stitches; it might make you feel better momentarily, but it’s not addressing the root of the problem.
This is where tough love comes in, ripping off that band-aid and forcing you to confront the reality of your situation—which we all need perhaps once and a while!
What is Tough Love? How Can It Motivate You?
Tough love is all about honesty (sometimes “brutally” so).
It’s about challenging your excuses, confronting your fears, and pushing you out of your comfort zone. It’s the voice that says, “Stop whining and start doing,” when you’re tempted to throw yourself a pity party.
But let’s be clear: This approach isn’t about being mean or belittling yourself.
Instead, it’s about holding yourself accountable and refusing to accept mediocrity. It’s the mental equivalent of a tough-as-nails fitness instructor who pushes you to do one more rep when your muscles are screaming for mercy.
So, what are some signs you might be in need of a bit of tough love?
- You’re constantly making excuses
- You’ve been “planning” to start something for months (or years)
- You blame external factors for your lack of progress
- You’re stuck in a comfort zone that’s starting to feel more like a prison
- You find yourself envying others’ success rather than working on your own
- You find yourself constantly in a loop of poor or bad relationships
- You find you’re acting in ways that put others’ well-being (and your own) at risk
How Do You Give Tough Love?
Tough love often involves reframing your inner dialogue.
Instead of soothing platitudes, try these hard-hitting statements:
- “Nobody cares about your excuses. They only care about your results.”
- “The only person standing in your way is the one in the mirror.”
- “Comfort is the enemy of progress. Get uncomfortable.”
- “You’re not a tree. If you don’t like where you are, move.”
- “Your dreams don’t care about your feelings. They care about your actions.”
Additionally, tough love can also mean not supporting behaviors that you know aren’t good for you.
For instance, instead of saying, “You deserve to scroll for a few more minutes,” try telling yourself you can spend this time on something much more valuable and useful. This means engaging in behavior that’s good for you like…
- Going to therapy
- Not texting your ex
- Using healthy self-care practices to help cope with the inevitable stressors of life
- Doing the opposite of self-sabotage (which may mean different things to different people!)
- Taking time to pause instead of going full-throttle into a heated argument
Examples of Tough Love
So, when might this be appropriate?
Here are a few more situations where tough love may be exactly what you need:
Procrastination Paralysis: You’ve been putting off starting your business for years, always finding a reason why “now isn’t the right time.”
Tough love says:
“There’s never a perfect time. Start now or accept that you’ll always be dreaming instead of doing.”
Fitness Plateaus: You’ve been going to the gym regularly but not pushing yourself. You’re comfortable but not seeing results.
Tough love says:
“Comfort is the enemy of progress. If you’re not struggling, you’re not growing.”
Career Stagnation: You’re unhappy in your job but too scared to make a change.
Tough love says:
“Fear of the unknown is keeping you trapped in mediocrity. Take the leap or stop complaining.”
Financial Irresponsibility: You’re constantly broke but refuse to look at your spending habits.
The tough love?
“Your bank account is a reflection of your choices. Stop blaming the economy and start making better decisions.”
Do any of these sound familiar?
Balancing Tough Love with Self-Compassion
It’s important to note that tough love isn’t about being cruel to yourself.
It’s about honest self-reflection and pushing yourself to grow. The key is to balance this approach with self-compassion.
Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, argues that self-compassion actually enhances motivation.
When we’re kind to ourselves, we’re more likely to pick ourselves up after failures and keep pushing forward. In other words, being mean to ourselves isn’t tough love; in fact, this just made make things that much harder!
Rather, tough love pushes you beyond your comfort limits. It hits you in the face with the facts while still acknowledging that you’re human and will make mistakes along the way.
After all, a soft and gentle approach isn’t always what we need. Sometimes, we need a blunt and honest look in the mirror (AKA some tough love!).
Do You Need Some Tough Love?
For the next week, every time you catch yourself making an excuse or avoiding a task, hit yourself with a dose of tough love. Ask yourself, “What would someone who refuses to accept excuses do in this situation?”
Remember, the path to success isn’t always comfortable. But it’s in those moments of discomfort that real growth happens. We have the incredible ability to make our reality what we want it to be.
Yet, we have to be the ones to take action and make that happen.
Here’s a last bit of tough love: No one else will do the work for us; we have to do that ourselves (and for ourselves!).
Photo by Uriel Mont
