It can be confusing when your significant other craves closeness one second but pulls away the next. And it can be even more confusing (and hard to recognize) if you’re the one doing it.
But the disorganized attachment style is often rooted in deep trauma. It’s not your or your partner’s fault. It’s often a product of circumstances and life experiences.
However, as with any attachment style, it’s possible to move toward a healthy, secure attachment. It takes work, effort, and time, but it’s doable! Below, we explore disorganized attachment, the signs of it, and how to take that next step forward.
What is Disorganized Attachment Style?
Disorganized attachment is the rarest of the three attachment styles, and arguably the most misunderstood. While the person longs for closeness, they also fear it. And yes, this can be really confusing for all parties involved.
At the end of the day, most attachment styles lean one way or the other. People with anxious attachment tend to chase connection. People with avoidant attachment tend to keep their distance. Disorganized attachment does both—sometimes in the same conversation.
This attachment style usually goes all the way back to childhood, where a caregiver was both a source of comfort and a source of fear, unpredictability. Essentially, the child learned that the person they relied on to feel safe was also the person they couldn’t fully rely on. At any moment’s notice, they could be hurt by them.
And as adults, they often bring that same wiring into their romantic relationships, where they want to be close to their partner, but unconsciously expect this closeness to eventually hurt.
Like all attachment styles, it can be changed. This way of thinking is a survival mechanism that may have served them as children, but not in the present day.
Related Article: 4 Effective Ways to Overcome Anxious Attachment Style & Be More Secure
What Are the Signs of Disorganized Attachment Style?
Disorganized attachment can show up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, including:
- Wanting a deep connection, but feeling suddenly suffocated once it arrives
- Pulling away right after a vulnerable or intimate moment
- Sending mixed signals
- Struggling to trust kindness, even when it’s consistent
- Feeling anxious when the relationship is going well and bracing for it to fall apart
- Self-sabotaging when things feel too good
- Overreacting to small signs of distance or disinterest
- Having a hard time identifying what you actually need in moments of stress
- Seeking out partners who feel emotionally unavailable, then resenting them for being unavailable
- Feeling like you’re always one foot in and one foot out
A lot of people with disorganized attachment describe their relationships as feeling like a push and pull they can’t quite control. They want love, but their nervous system reads closeness as a potential threat. So they reach for it, then panic. Then reach again.
It can be exhausting and confusing, all in one, for both them and their partner. But this is the importance of getting professional help if you can (I personally saw an attachment therapist and can vouch that it works!).
Related Article: Why They Pull Away Every Time You Get Close: Avoidant Attachment Style
Tips to Manage Disorganized Attachment Style
All in all, attachment styles aren’t fixed. They’re patterns, and patterns can be unlearned.
Healing from disorganized attachment is absolutely possible, but it does take time, intention, and usually some outside support. Here’s how you can get started:
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Name the pattern: Awareness is everything. Before you can change something, you have to be able to see it. Start noticing when the push-pull shows up.
- What triggers it?
- What does it feel like in your body?
- What stories does your mind tell you in those moments?
- Consider trauma-informed therapy: Since disorganized attachment is often rooted in early relational wounds, traditional talk therapy isn’t always enough. Instead, therapeutic approaches such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help you address the deeper layer where these patterns actually reside.
- Build self-regulation skills: When the urge to pull away (or cling tightly) hits, try not to act on it right away. Instead, try grounding tools, such as slow breathing, cold water on your wrists, or even just naming five things you can see around you. This can help you ride the emotional surge without reacting to it.
- Talk to your partner honestly: If you’re aware of your pattern, share it. You don’t have to over-explain or apologize for who you are, just let your partner know that closeness can feel scary sometimes, and that pulling away isn’t about them.
- Be patient with the process: There will be days when you feel solid and connected, and days when old fears come roaring back. Be patient; healing takes time!
Related Article: The Disorganized Attachment Style: 10 Signs and 5 Ways to Manage it
Take That First Step Today
Whether that’s finally naming the pattern or researching therapists, any step forward is the right path to be on.
And know that being disorganized attachment doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or broken. You can work through it; this is a response you developed when you didn’t have any other tools at your disposal, and that’s ok.
Most people don’t have a perfect childhood. But as an adult, you have a choice as to where your journey can take you.
Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio
