Sometimes, I’d build things up in my head. As a naturally optimistic person, I used to imagine these grand, best-case scenarios when planning trips or adventures.
But reality… well, it was often quite different from this picture-perfect scenario I had in my head.
Like that time we hiked Algonquin Park. I was so excited. I didn’t imagine the bugs, the rain… I imagined hiking through the woods with lake views, lounging in our hammock (which did happen!), and nights by the campfire (also happened).
But… I got eaten alive by the mosquitoes. I remember trampling through the trail, which was basically a pile of mud, trying to move quickly to avoid getting bitten again. I remember us frantically pitching our tent as the rain poured down. And then huddled in the tent, waiting out the rain.
… It wasn’t quite what I imagined at times. (Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time, but I hadn’t exactly imagined all the low moments.)
And maybe you’ve experienced this too. Whatever it is—the trip, the reunion, the big weekend getaway, or that important business launch—maybe it didn’t quite play out how you thought it would.
And maybe you also experienced a deep-seated disappointment. If this sounds familiar, you might be falling into the crevasse between expectation vs reality.
What Is the Expectation vs. Reality Gap?
The expectation vs. reality gap is the space between what you thought would happen and what actually did.
We all carry expectations around, whether we realize it or not.
Some are tiny (this coffee is going to be amazing) and some are huge (this job will change my life).
When reality lines up with them, great. When it doesn’t, we might feel disappointment, frustration, or that deflated “oh” kind of feeling.
But here’s the thing: Two people can go to the exact same dinner, see the exact same movie, take the exact same vacation, and walk away feeling completely different. This is expectations vs. reality. And when we learn to manage this, things get a whole lot easier!
Why Our Expectations Miss the Mark
So, why are we so often off?
Part of it is that we’re not great at predicting how we’ll feel in the future. And it turns out we tend to miss our target in a pretty predictable way; we might overestimate how good the good stuff will feel, and how bad the bad stuff will be.
Researchers actually have a name for this little quirk of the brain; they refer to it as impact bias. But you don’t necessarily need the science-y term to recognize it in your own life or come up with ways around it.
Generally, even just knowing that the letdowns are often smaller than we fear, and the highs don’t last as long as we hope, can go a long way. But let’s dig into this a bit further.
Related Article: Accepting Your Current Season (Even If You Hate It)
How to Manage Your Expectations
Okay, so we can’t stop having expectations—nor should we. A life with zero hopes and dreams sounds pretty grim. The goal, instead, is to hold your expectations a little more loosely. Be flexible! Here’s how.
1. Try the Worst / Best / Most Likely Check
When you catch yourself spiraling about how something might go, grab a pen. Write down the worst case, the best case, and the most likely case.
Then, plan for the most likely outcome, and add one small safety net for the worst. This quick exercise pulls your brain out of the extremes (nothing in life is black and white!) and back to the middle, grayish area, which is where real life happens most of the time.
Basically, plan for the worst, hope for the best. But actually live in the most likely.
2. Aim High But Be Flexible
Here’s a little metaphor for you…
You can compare your expectations, in a way, to a compass.
- A compass points you in a direction.
- It doesn’t promise the exact path, or how long you’ll walk, or what you’ll find along the way.
- But it generally points you there.
And that’s a good thing. We’ve got to have goals. These often give us a sense of purpose.
Yet, you don’t need to rest your overall happiness on one very specific outcome. This is where we get tripped up. For instance, if you tire out but haven’t reached your destination, what’s the plan? You’ve gotta have a plan!
Overall, ambition is good (and motivates us for sure). But staying flexible (which is what lets us experience reality and not what we see in a Hollywood movie) is important; life happens. So, have a plan B or C.
Be more flexible about the overall plan. Sure, head in that direction. But be open to changes.
3. Control Your Effort, Not the Result
Here’s a freeing truth: you don’t actually own the result.
You own the prep. The showing up. The trying your best. But whether the client says yes, whether it rains on the big day, whether other people cooperate? Not yours to control, even if you tried.
The bottom line here? Pour your energy where it can actually reach, which is into the effort.
When you do that, you’re a lot less at the mercy of whatever reality decides to do. But then you’re also focusing on what you can control, which is a much better position to be in.
Related Article: Are You a Control Freak? Recognizing and Overcoming Control Fallacies
4. Name the Story You’re Telling Yourself
A surprising number of our expectations are really just assumptions wearing a convincing disguise.
Next time you feel one, pause and ask: Is this a fact, or a movie I’ve scripted? Half the time, you’ll realize you’ve written an entire ending that hasn’t happened yet and may never happen at all.
This realization alone can knock us out of that “expectations/dream-like” haze. In turn, we can face reality head-on and not ride our feelings on the outcome.
5. Build in a Little Buffer
We almost always underestimate how long things will take and how bumpy the road will be. (Ever met a project that finished early and went perfectly? Me neither.)
So, build in a little breathing room. Expect some friction, such as a delay here or a hiccup there. And when the small bumps show up, they’ll feel like a normal part of the process instead of a sign that everything’s falling apart.
6. Let Reality Be Your Guide
When things to go to plan, treat it as new information.
A learning lesson, if you will. Thomas Edison once said, “I haven’t failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” This is the perspective that won’t let you down and harnesses that whole “growth mindset.”
So, try and try again. If trying doesn’t work, maybe do something else. You can always change your mind. Be open to opportunities, even, again, if it wasn’t the plan or end goal you envisioned.
Dream Big, But Reframe When You Need To
Managing the expectation gap is maybe a bit more about going with the flow. It’s less grandiose dreams and more about being realistic. It’s not thinking the worst-case will be true, but about finding that common greyish area in the middle.
Keep dreaming big. Keep reaching for the good stuff.
Let go of the worst case. Instead, leave a little room for reality to surprise you, because sometimes, when you stop demanding (or fearing) the exact movie in your head, you make space for something even better.
Related Article: What If You’re Already Enough? The Myth of Constant Self-Improvement
Photo by ArtHouse Studio
