Of the four attachment styles, disorganized is considered the most challenging one to manage simply because it’s unpredictable and as the name suggests, disorganized.
This attachment style is a result of a childhood in which the caregiver or parent didn’t create a safe space for the child.
Often, the caregiver’s responses aren’t predictable. One day, they’re nice and supportive; the next, they’re harsh and dismissive.
Disorganized attachment style can also be a result of a child witnessing their caregiver abuse someone else.
Consequently, the child becomes unsure of how his caregivers will respond.
As adults, these people become conflicted. They want close and meaningful relationships but are hesitant to have them because they don’t feel safe being very close to someone.
As you can imagine, children with disorganized attachment styles can grow up to treat their children in a similar manner and repeat the cycle. Unless someone actively works on breaking that cycle, it will continue.
This article will help you realize what a disorganized attachment style looks like in adults and how you can work on improving it to a more secure attachment style.
10 Signs of Disorganized Attachment Style in Adults
Each person will present their attachment style differently.
Anyone can have these traits, and that doesn’t always mean they have a disorganized attachment style. But, these traits tied up with one’s upbringing can be evidence of a disorganized attachment style.
- Unpredictable behavior
- Conflicting desire of wanting to be alone and wanting to be with someone
- Fear of abandonment
- Poor self-esteem
- Extreme mood swings
- Difficulties trusting others
- Fear of intimacy
- Fear of getting emotionally close to others
- Controlling behavior
- Difficulties regulating emotions
Anxious Attachment in Relationships: How to Manage, Expert Tips & Strategies
5 Ways to Deal With Disorganized Attachment
1. Journaling.
When working on improving yourself, it’s important for you to keep track of your behavior and patterns.
Journaling is a great way to document how you react to scenarios and how you relate to others. You’ll be able to observe strategies that are working and those that need to be adjusted.
Moreover, journaling is also a great way to rationalize your thoughts. In the moment, you might act irrationally, but journaling allows you to process your reactions and see if they’re appropriate.
4 Journaling Tips for When You Actually Don’t Know How to Journal
2. Engage with therapy.
As attachment styles are rooted in childhood experiences, the best way to deal with them is to start by untangling our childhood experiences.
Therapy can help you get a better understanding of any unresolved childhood traumas. Once this has been achieved, it becomes possible to move on without being held back by childhood experiences.
3. Talk to people with secure attachment styles.
Spend time with people who have an attachment style you want to emulate.
You can’t turn back time and adjust your childhood, but you can learn from these people.
Observe how they react and their relationships, and when you have questions, ask them so you get a clear understanding of how they perceive the world and show their emotions. This is a great way to learn and view the world from a different perspective.
4. Identify your triggers.
Each person has their own triggers.
These are things that activate fears of abandonment or trauma in someone who has a disorganized attachment style. Understanding your triggers will help you manage them better.
You can communicate with your partner about them so they can give you the support and reassurance you need. Awareness of triggers will also help you better take care of yourself when you’re exposed to them.
5. Think of alternative explanations.
When you have a disorganized attachment style, it’s easy to always assume the worst.
When your partner doesn’t do what you expected them to, you might think they don’t love you anymore, want to leave or are cheating on you. In most cases, that won’t be the case. Having these assumptions makes it easy to sabotage perfectly fine relationships.
So, rather than allowing your thoughts to ruin relationships, consider exploring alternative explanations.
When your partner doesn’t take your call or respond to your text early, rather than assuming that they’re no longer interested in you, consider that they might just be busy and haven’t had a chance to get back to you.
Alternative explanations to disappointments will not be easy to come up with, but over time, you’ll realize that you become more accepting of things not going your way.
Someone With a Disorganized Attachment Style Can Have a Good Relationship
Disorganized attachment styles are exhausting for both the person with that style and those around him.
There can be a lot of confusion and stress that comes with the unpredictability of how one will respond.
Consequently, everyone might end up walking on eggshells because they’re scared of offending the person with a disorganized attachment style.
No one wants to live like that. As a result, relationships that weren’t supposed to can end up ruined and thrown out.
That’s not to say people with a disorganized attachment style cannot or don’t deserve lasting and good relationships. They do.
These tips are a starting point for managing this attachment style and moving towards a more secure one. Our attachment styles aren’t created overnight! They’re a product of many years of consistent treatment.
Similarly, working on improving or changing them will not be easy.
It will take time, patience and consistency.
Photo by Jep Gambardella
