Author Lewis B Smedes once said,
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Oftentimes, resentment, grudges, or old hurts don’t haunt the person who caused them. In fact, they might have forgotten about the situation altogether.
In the end, the only person who is still hurting is you.
This can be difficult to accept, especially after traumatic or painful events. It’s hard to recognize that our feelings and emotions are our own responsibility – one that we must often look inward to resolve.
But in a world where it’s easier to play the victim, this can be a hard truth. It can be a challenging narrative to wrap your mind around. And yes, it may hurt even more.
It may lead you to realize that certain behaviors don’t serve you. Or that you’ve been perpetuating a cycle that continues to cause you pain and sadness, despite the actions of others.
Yet, here’s something that can feel a bit more empowering:
The only person who can write your story is also you. You are the narrator, the main character, and the captain of the ship.
Our reality is truly what we believe it to be.
So, how can you reclaim your life and your story?
How can you move past hurt, blame, and sadness and toward a life of fulfillment, confidence, and empowerment?
What Does It Mean to Reclaim Your Story?
In no way is this article striving to tell you that your pain or hurt feelings aren’t real. They are. And they are completely valid. Your experience matters.
But we don’t need to make this pain our identity. We don’t need it to run our life.
At the same time, changing how you feel also doesn’t excuse the other person from the harm they’ve caused, such as in the case of a cheating spouse, a toxic job loss, or a friendship ending in betrayal or silence.
Rather, it’s deciding how this energy is carried with you into your present and future moments.
For example… a friendship ends.
- Maybe it’s run its course.
- Or maybe they were toxic to begin with.
- Or perhaps they ghosted without explanation.
Whatever the case may be, you can frame this how you want. Instead of thinking “I always get left behind,” try “If this friendship wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be, and now I can create room for real and authentic connections.” Then, strive toward that!
We can choose to blame others and sit in resentment. Or, we can decide to take what happened and write our own story. We get to determine what happens next, without letting certain events define us.
How to Rewrite Your Story
Okay, so now you’re convinced. You are in control. But the next step is… what exactly?
Here are a few tips to get you on the right path toward a life you want, rather than the life that is being guided by past resentment or hurt.
Recognize & Identify Your Patterns
When something bad happens in your life, how do you react?
What is your internal dialogue? Pay attention to whether it’s internal versus external. Are you blaming everyone but yourself? Are you quick to jump to what everyone else has done wrong, but you?
Here’s another hard truth: If there is no common denominator, you might be it. Recognizing these patterns can help us steer clear of pitfalls and anchors in our lives that don’t allow us to move forward to where we truly want to be. And this leads right into our next tip…
Use Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a method that examines the interconnection between language, thoughts, and behavior. NLP teaches that the words we use shape how we perceive the world and ourselves.
For example, constantly saying “I was betrayed” reinforces the identity of being someone who was hurt. Reframing this to “I learned what I will no longer tolerate” can shift your emotional state and future choices.
By changing our internal dialogue, we can literally change how we experience the past and open ourselves up to a different kind of future.
Learn the Power of Letting Go
“Let them.”
Mel Robbins has said that these two simple words hold almost all the freedom you need, at least when it comes to interpersonal interactions and reactions.
Let them walk away. Let them misunderstand. Let them choose someone else. Let them think what they want. Let them go.
It’s not uncommon to hold onto situations, people, feelings, and, thus, the story we’ve built around them. We replay it in our heads. We convince ourselves that we own this resentment and this hurt. And we think, then, that closure results from external forces outside of our control.
But real peace won’t come from revenge, an apology, or being understood. Instead, it might simply come from letting go.
Letting go isn’t forgetting what happened. It’s choosing not to carry that negative energy anymore. And when we let go, we reclaim our power and our story. We gain wisdom and, most importantly, freedom.
Related Article: Your Identity: Your Problems Do Not Define You – 5 Things to Consider
Name Your Next Chapter
What do you want the future to hold?
What do you foresee from this moment onward looking like?
Name it. What is that next chapter called? Make it count. Make it detailed. Make it positive. And then…
Take Action
Tiny steps matter here.
Once you’ve got a vision in place and a name for your next chapter, take one small step now. Whether that’s planning an action in the near future or moving the needle an inch, every little bit counts. It will get you closer to penning your own story rather than allowing external forces to move you around.
Ultimately, this is where your chosen reality becomes, well, real!
If You’re Still Unsure… Check for Biases
Sometimes, the reason we can’t move forward isn’t because of what happened – but because of the story we’ve built around it. While you may have figured this out from the above, there’s a reason for this.
Our brains are technically wired to protect us. So, this often means they filter information to confirm what we may believe to already be true, also called confirmation bias.
For instance, if you believe “I’m not good enough,” your mind will naturally highlight every moment that supports that belief and ignore the ones that prove otherwise.
So if you’re unsure as to whether you’re moving in the right direction, these questions can help you remove this bias and help you, again, take those tiny steps forward. Ask yourself:
- Is this belief true? Or is it just comfortable and familiar?
- Would I talk to someone I love this way?
- Is there a belief that challenges this one?
From there, you can replace this old script with a newer (and, well, more self-serving) one!
Related Article: 5 Mindset Changes That Can Help You Transform Your Life
Take That Jump Today
Shift from being a victim to an author of your life in your own right.
It’s possible. And yes, it might feel a tad uncomfortable. But you can move past pain and hurt. You can live a fulfilling and satisfying life despite others’ actions. If you look around, there’s living proof of it everywhere.
Read Next: The Victor and Victim Mindset & How to Flip the Script to Take Back Control
