I wish I would have known more about avoidant patterns of behavior before I got into a past relationship.
It would have saved me quite a bit of heartache. Sure, no relationship is without its challenges, but if your partner exhibits certain patterns of behavior that could indicate avoidant tendencies, it may help to get to the root of the issue.
- Do you ever feel like your partner is emotionally distant or unresponsive to your attempts to connect?
- Do they avoid difficult conversations, withdraw when conflict arises, or struggle with expressing their feelings?
If so, it’s possible that you’re in a relationship with an avoidant person. In this article, we’ll explore the telltale signs of an avoidant partner and discuss ways you can address this issue in your relationship.
We’ll also provide some tips on how to cope with these dynamics and make sure both partners get their needs met.
What is Avoidant Behavior?
Avoidant behavior is a type of defense mechanism that some people use when they are feeling vulnerable.
It involves distancing oneself from others, both emotionally and physically, in order to protect oneself from potential rejection or criticism.
People with avoidant tendencies may find it difficult to express their emotions openly or share intimate details about themselves.
The following are five telltale signs you may have an avoidant partner:
1. Withdrawing During Conflict
An avoidant partner may withdraw during conflict.
As we all know, every relationship comes with its share of disagreements or heated discussions. No matter how hard you try to handle the situation delicately, some conversations can easily become intense and overwhelming.
Withdrawing during conflict may be an indication that your partner is too overwhelmed by the intensity of the discussion or is afraid of getting hurt by something said in the heat of the moment. Try to recognize when this is happening and acknowledge that taking a break to cool off can be helpful.
At times, withdrawing during conflict may not be easy for either partner, but keeping these tips in mind will help make sure that all parties involved come out on better terms after taking some time off from any disagreements.
2. Avoiding Intimacy
Intimacy is a key part of any relationship, and it’s essential to have an understanding of each other’s emotional needs in order to have a fulfilling and lasting connection.
However, for some individuals, expressing their feelings or connecting on an intimate level may be difficult due to fear of vulnerability, insecurity, or trauma that can be the root causes of avoidant behavior.
If your partner struggles with intimacy, take into account their experience when developing strategies to reconnect. Even though they may not want to talk about it openly, try to be patient and understanding while providing support.
Moreover, establish boundaries in order to move forward in terms of physical affection.
If you notice signs of avoidance or defensiveness during confrontation, take a step back and remind yourself that this isn’t a personal attack on you, but rather a reflection on the difficulty your partner has about intimate relationships in general.
3. Reluctance to Commit
Reluctance to commit is another sign of an avoidant partner.
It can often be difficult to identify the reasons behind a partner’s reluctance to commit. In particular, it may be that an avoidant partner has a fear of being rejected or disappointed if they make long-term plans or commitments.
This could be the result of past experiences, such as feeling unworthy of being with someone in the long run. As a result, these fears can cause an individual to hold back from entering into another relationship or making future plans.
Recognizing this problem for what it is and understanding its origins are important steps in moving forward towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
That said, it may take time for a partner to feel open enough to express their feelings honestly and openly. Once a level of trust is established, talking about why your partner feels hesitant and discussing possible solutions can help you both work together towards improving the situation.
4. Emotional Distance
An emotionally distant partner can create a feeling of disconnect between two people.
This could be due to a fear of getting too close or feeling vulnerable, resulting in an avoidant partner sometimes seeming unavailable and unapproachable. This emotional distance can be difficult to bridge, as it can prevent individuals from engaging with one another on a deeper level.
The key to building trust and closeness is open communication and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It may take time for an individual who has experienced traumatic events or formative relationships in the past to open up and feel safe enough to express their emotions.
Showing patience and understanding towards such fears, while being assertive about your own desire for greater emotional connection can help both you and your partner move closer together at a comfortable pace.
5. Trouble Expressing Feelings
Being able to express feelings is an important part of any relationship.
But it can be hard for some individuals, especially those who have had difficult experiences in the past. An avoidant partner may struggle to open up and communicate their emotions, which can leave you feeling frustrated and unheard.
It’s helpful to recognize that while your partner may not be able to share their true feelings, this does not mean they are not present.
Creating a safe space where your partner can comfortably share their thoughts and feelings is key for developing mutual respect and understanding. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and expressing your own emotions can also help your partner understand that it is okay for them to do the same.
How to Address an Avoidant Partner in Your Relationship
If you believe your partner is exhibiting avoidant behavior, take some time to talk to them about it.
Let them know that you understand their feelings and respect their right to have boundaries in the relationship, but also explain that you need more emotional connection to feel secure. Provide a safe space for them to open up without pressure or judgment.
Tips for Coping with an Avoidant Partner
If your partner tends to be avoidant, consider the following tips to help you cope with the situation.
- Focus on Yourself: It can be difficult when your partner doesn’t provide the emotional intimacy and support you need, so make sure to take time for yourself and focus on activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
- Don’t Take It Personally: Remember that your partner’s behavior is not a reflection of you. They may be struggling with their own feelings of vulnerability or fear of rejection, so try to be understanding.
- Find an Outlet: Find healthy ways of releasing your emotions, such as talking with a friend or counselor, keeping a journal, or engaging in physical activities like yoga or running.
- Communicate Openly: Make sure to communicate openly and honestly about what you need from the relationship and how you’re feeling. Be patient and understanding when expressing yourself; it can take time for your partner to open up.
Wrapping it Up
If your partner displays avoidant behavior in your relationship, know that you’re not alone.
This is actually more common than most people think. While it may feel challenging to open up about your feelings, it’s important to talk openly and honestly with your partner in order to create a secure and healthy relationship.
With patience and understanding, you can work together to build trust, connection, and intimacy in your relationship.
If you’re looking for further resources on the topic of avoidant behavior and relationships, there are plenty of helpful books and websites available.
Here are some of my favorites:
“The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Lerner
“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships – Complete Guide
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Editor’s note: This article was originally published Mar 30, 2023 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto
