We’ve all dealt with toxic people at some time or another.
Maybe it’s that co-worker who always seems to spread negative comments about people’s ideas, what they’re wearing, how your manager handled something, or even complaining or making light of their own work.
Or perhaps you have a family member who is always trying to stir up drama, is openly inappropriate or disrespectful to others, and actively tries to pit people against each other, or just plain make everyone (Or one targeted person) feel bad about themselves.
That kind of attitude and behavior tends to poison the environment after a time, especially if they are pulling in other who can’t or won’t stand up to them.
And while the best thing you can do to protect your mental health is steer completely clear of toxic people, sometimes that is not possible.
So here are some ways to recognize and protect yourself from toxic people and their unacceptable behavior.
What and Who are Toxic People?
What is toxic behavior and who are toxic people?
Toxic behavior is anything that contributes to unnecessary negative feelings.
A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.1
This could be the content or context of what is said or done.
However, just because something causes pain, it doesn’t automatically make the behavior or conversation toxic. Delivering bad or disappointing news in the right place at the right time (which is as soon as it is appropriate) can cause harm, but this cannot be avoided. This is not toxic.
Conversely, sharing good news at a horrible time (i.e. announcing a long awaited pregnancy at another child’s funeral) is toxic because it is selfish, cruel and lacks compassion; in this case being entirely disrespectful of the somber occasion.
This is not the right time for that announcement and causes undue hurt to the people who lost their beloved family member or friend.
8 Signs of a Toxic Relationship & 4 Reasons Why It’s Hard to Leave
Signs of Toxic People & Behaviors
Toxic behaviors come in many shapes and sizes.
The numerous forms of toxicity range from irritating to downright life ruining. Here are just some of the ways a toxic person can target others.
Toxic people can become:
- belligerent
- hostile
- antagonistic
- derogatory
- aggressive
- threatening
- and violent
They may be attention seeking, histrionic (theatrical or melodramatic), scream, curse and damage or throw things.
Toxic people can also traffic in guilt, shame and manipulation. They are known to criticize, complain, over-talk, bully, and be passive aggressive. Almost all cross boundaries, while some invade privacy, and others reveal secrets.
Many lie outright and by omission, cheat, steal, scam, gaslight, self-harm for sympathy, and constantly make themselves both the hero and the victim.
They can also start and spread rumors, frame others for misdeeds (real or fictional), harass others, recruit people for a harassment campaign, publicize sensitive information, sabotage and dox individuals.
5 Ways to Protect Your Own Mental Health Around Toxic People
Phew! Now that you have a bit of a handle on the types of behaviors displayed by toxic people, let’s take a look at how you can ultimately protect yourself from their nasty ways.
Because at the end of the day, the way they are acting doesn’t have anything to do with you. Remember that.
1. Mottos and Mantras
When contact is inevitable and you’re getting ready to be around these terrible types of people, instead of psyching yourself up, you need to calm yourself down.
Repeat soothing, corrective mantras to yourself before you go, and say them in your head while you’re there.
You can try these:
- “I am calm, I am centered, I am at peace.”
- “In this moment, I choose serenity over stress.”
- “I breathe in peace, I breathe out tension.”
- “My heart is light, my mind is clear, I am in harmony.”
- “I trust in the process of life, I let go of worries, and I embrace tranquility.”
It can help occupy your mind with pleasant, constructive or at the very least diffusing energy to counteract the intensive negativity you will likely face. These can be anything about positivity, peace, tranquility, or reminders of the fabulous life you have and the good things and people in it.
You can also speak to your own good qualities.
Remind yourself of how short this visit is in the grand scheme of your life. Remember, this is to yourself and in your mind, not out loud to the person or within earshot of anyone else besides a partner in crime who tags along for the ride.
2. Avoid and Ignore
Put as much physical distance between them and yourself as possible.
If you can’t escape their space, ignore their presence to the best of your ability. Be only as polite as you need to be to avoid drawing attention to yourself. You aren’t required to give them your attention or energy.
3. Divert and Disengage
Change any triggering or negative topics of conversation to more neutral ones if you get caught in their net.
For example, if they try to bait you into talking about politics or something in the news, you can say,
“No, I don’t follow (The news, sports, political debates, random inflammatory social media people.).”
If they refuse to move on to something else, retreat and disengage from the conversation. Divert your attention away from them or just get up and move somewhere else.
If you don’t feel comfortable just saying excuse me and walking away, you can always pointedly look at someone across the room and say, “Oh, I need to talk to Phyllis, pardon me.” Or say you have to blow your nose, it doesn’t matter, just find a way to leave.
4. Short and Not So Sweet
If you have to engage, make it short and not so sweet.
Being too accommodating may make you seem open to their antics. Curt, dry responses will help you seem uninterested and uninteresting. Even if you’re not asked a question, you can back out of a distasteful exchange with “No, thank you.”
Side note: My mum has someone in her life who is difficult to avoid, and she has taken steps to keep them out of her personal life. When she does have to see her though, she uses the ‘grey rock’ strategy.
Basically, you act as neutral and plain as a grey rock when you have to engage with one of these people. They are usually looking to feed off your energy and emotion, so if they get nothing from you, they get bored and leave. Works every time and my mum gets a kick out of it.
5. Low and No Contact
Ultimately, toxic people need to be met with low or no contact.
This isn’t always possible. Others may become involved to try to pressure, guilt, shame or manipulate you into engaging or maintaining a relationship. It may be hard to stand your ground.
But toxic people depend on making it easier to give in to them over protecting yourself.
Also, be prepared if they attempt to punish you for pulling away.
Handling Toxic People
Unfortunately, there are toxic people all over the place. But you aren’t responsible for them, or the nastiness they are trying to inflict on you.
While standing up to them, or cutting them out of your life can certainly help in the long run, sometimes this simply isn’t possible.
Making sure you protect your own mental health and not get drawn into whatever game or drama they are trying to engage you in is key.
So remember:
- Go in calm
- Use your mottos and mantras
- Avoid and ignore
- Divert and disengage
- Short and not so sweet
- Low and no contact
You don’t need to give your energy or your attention to anyone else. Use these tactics and hopefully, they will bring you relief and comfort.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published Jul 10, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
