Do you know someone who has a tough time opening up emotionally?
Do you find it challenging that they seem emotionally unavailable?
It used to be that mostly men were put into the category of shutting down emotionally or being unavailable. Way back in the day, the line of thinking that was if you’re an emotional man, then you’re weak or too feminine.
Thankfully, those days are long gone. Being open-hearted and confident in sharing your emotions these days for everyone is more encouraged. Sharing your authentic self is actually applauded in many social circles.
Still, there are some people who find it challenging to open up and share what’s going on in their heads and hearts. They may want to open up, but the feelings or words just don’t come out.
The reasons why run the whole gamut – so we’re taking a look at a few of them today.
5 Reasons People Find it Challenging to Be Emotionally Available
1. Some People Prefer Keeping Their Feelings Inside.
Some people simply prefer to keep their feelings to themselves.
They may love to hoot and holler at a sporting event or game show, but when it comes to sharing their own feelings, they prefer to keep them quiet.
There’s nothing wrong with this either. Far too many people judge others for keeping to themselves, when they’re simply being their authentic self by being on the quiet side. Now, if they are stuffing or repressing their feelings and it’s causing problems in their relationships, that’s a different story.
In that case, perhaps they could learn to feel and share what’s going on inside. But if they simply prefer keeping their emotions inside, and it’s on the healthy end, there’s nothing wrong with that.
2. Maybe They Fear Rejection.
There are some people that feel like if they really open up and share their innermost feelings, they will get rejected.
Maybe this has happened to them in the past. Some people don’t love to put themselves in a vulnerable spot so much, so they tend to hold things in.
If you feel like someone wants to share something, but is afraid, you can gently encourage and assure them that you will not judge or reject them for opening up. Don’t force the issue, and be patient. Sometimes they just need to feel comfortable, and it could take more time.
Show them support and unconditional love regardless of what they share. After all, we want the same consideration when we share.
3. Maybe They’ve Never Learned How to Open Up.
Some people grow up not learning how to communicate effectively.
They may not even know how to really sense what they’re feeling. This especially happens in homes that are dysfunctional or to those who have experienced trauma.
The good news is that there are ways that they can learn how to connect with their feelings and communicate them in effective ways. It takes time and practice, and it may even take a therapist to help, but it’s worth it.
4. Some People Express Emotions in Different Ways Than Words.
If you’re looking for everyone to be gushy and go on and on about how much they love you or become quite emotional about an issue, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Some people express by giving and performing actions. They might give a gift, take care of a problem you have, take you out to dinner, or sit quietly with you holding your hand while watching television.
Some people may even feel more comfortable writing down their feelings and sending them to you via text or email. If this works for them, perhaps you can give it a chance. I’ve written plenty of letters in my life that express my emotions far better than if I were to try to convey them face to face with words.
5. Neurodivergent People Communicate and See the World Differently.
Just like in other areas of life, there are stereotypes around how we are ‘supposed’ to communicate and what it should look like. In the movies, you often see people run the gamut of emotions for entertainment value – from dramatic reactions to sullen silence, to drunken oversharing to cute letters tucked under doors.
So why is it that we often expect everyone to express emotions exactly the same way? Or even to be able to do so?
Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one “right” way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits. – Harvard Health
We know so much more about neurodiversity now, but there are still many things misunderstood about it, and many people don’t understand that it’s simply an umbrella term to cover the many different ways people’s brains are wired.
For someone who is on the Autism Spectrum, for example, they may be much more direct and honest, not following common social niceties like small talk. They may tell you exactly what they think, but not come across as empathetic or want to give hugs or affection, because they may be hypersensitive and be more comfortable just talking.
Does that mean all people on the Autism Spectrum communicate this way? Of course not. And someone not on the Autism Spectrum may do the exact same thing. Emotions are constructed both socially and individually, so everyone, regardless of being neurodivergent or not, will communicate them differently!
It’s important that we consider this before we decide why someone is or isn’t acting in a way we expect.
What is Neurodivergent vs Neurotypical? Important Differences & What You Should Know→
Emotional Availability
Being emotionally available is a plus when it comes to forming trusted relationships.
However, not everyone is on the same page in this regard. Know that some people have a tough time opening up emotionally for one reason or another. This isn’t always a negative thing, so try not to judge it.
If you’re having trouble opening up emotionally, consider the reasons as to why.
- Is this simply your preference?
- Does it cause you problems?
- Is this what you learned growing up?
- Do you wish you could be more emotionally available?
If you feel stuck or want some help to more deeply understand why you’re having trouble opening up emotionally, it’s a good idea to talk to a professional who can provide you with guidance, support and tools to get to the root of the issue.
10 Resources & Steps to Help You Find a Good Therapist→
Photo by Anastasiya Gepp
