Insecurity in relationships can feel like a constant battle against an invisible enemy.
Maybe you’ve sent a text, only to reread it a dozen times, dissecting every word and emoji.
Or perhaps you’ve opened up about your feelings, only to spend the next three hours second-guessing yourself.
You might even tell yourself, “I’m too much. I’ll scare them away.”
But here’s the truth: You are not too much. You’re human. And being human means you have feelings, needs, and—yes—a desire to connect.
Let’s unpack where that fear of being unlovable really comes from, why it’s lying to you, and how you can start letting go of it.
Where Does the Fear of Being ‘Too Much’ Come From?
This fear doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.
It often has roots in our past—experiences that taught us it’s not safe to fully be ourselves.
For some, it starts in childhood.
Maybe you were told to “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Little comments like these can leave big scars, making you believe your emotions are burdens instead of signals. If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional—like it depended on being perfect or staying quiet—it’s no wonder you started to question your worth.
Then there’s the societal side of things.
We live in a culture that praises independence and self-sufficiency, sometimes to the point of shaming vulnerability. We’re told to “keep it cool” in relationships, like opening up or asking for reassurance is a bad thing.
Spoiler alert: it’s not.
Why You’re Not ‘Too Much’ (And Never Have Been)
Let me say it louder for the people in the back: having emotions does not make you a burden.
In fact, your emotions are like a GPS—they tell you:
- what’s important to you
- what you need
- where you might need to set boundaries
Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t make you needy or broken; it makes you someone who values connection.
And guess what? Everyone has needs. EVERYONE. The difference is, some people have learned to express them in healthy ways, while others bottle them up until they explode.
A few years ago, I wore my hyper independence like a badge of honor.
I prided myself on never asking for help, never needing too much, and never being the “clingy” one in a relationship. But deep down, I was afraid of rejection.
If I felt insecure or sensed distance, I’d retreat further into myself, convincing everyone—including me—that I was fine. Over time, though, I realized that pretending I didn’t have needs wasn’t protecting me; it was isolating me.
Now, instead of shutting down, I speak up. If I feel insecurity creeping in or notice some emotional distance, I say something. It’s still scary sometimes, but it’s freeing to know I can show up as my full self—and that’s made my relationships so much stronger.
Here’s a little trick I’ve learned:
- when your inner critic starts whispering, “You’re too much,”
- try responding with, “I have needs, and that’s okay. I deserve to have them met.”
It might feel weird at first, but over time, it can change how you see yourself.
How to Start Tackling These Insecurities
Now, let’s get practical. Overcoming the fear of being unlovable doesn’t happen overnight, but there are small, powerful steps you can take to start the process.
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Imagine a friend comes to you saying, “I feel like I’m too much for my partner.” Would you tell them, “Yeah, you probably are”? Of course not!
You’d reassure them, remind them of their worth, and tell them it’s okay to have feelings.
So why not do the same for yourself?
Try this: write down three things you appreciate about yourself every day. They don’t have to be huge—maybe you were kind to someone, or you made it through a tough day. Over time, this habit helps quiet that critical voice in your head.
2. Ground Yourself During Spirals
When insecurity hits, it’s easy to get lost in a spiral of What ifs. (What if they think I’m annoying? What if they leave me?) To break the cycle, try grounding yourself.
Here’s one method:
- Look around and name 5 things you can see.
- Touch 4 things you can feel.
- Listen for 3 things you can hear.
- Identify 2 things you can smell.
- Take 1 deep breath.
This brings you back to the present moment, where you’re safe.
3. Communicate Without Shame
When insecurity creeps in, the instinct might be to bottle it up or apologize for it. But instead of saying, “Sorry, I know I’m being clingy,” try saying, “I’m feeling a little anxious and could use some reassurance.”
See the difference?
One approach shames you, while the other is honest and direct. People who care about you want to know how to support you—they’re not mind readers!
Your Authenticity is Your Superpower
Here’s the magic: your vulnerability—the thing you’re afraid will scare people away—is actually what creates the deepest connections. Think about the relationships that matter most to you.
- Are they built on pretending to be perfect?
- Or are they rooted in being real with each other?
When you embrace your emotions instead of hiding them, you give others permission to do the same. That’s not “too much.” That’s a gift.
Wrapping It Up
So, next time you hear that little voice saying, “You’re too much,” remember this:
- your feelings are valid
- your needs are valid
- you are not a burden
- you are enough, exactly as you are
You deserve relationships where you feel safe to show up fully—messy emotions and all. And the people who truly matter? They’ll love you not despite your authenticity but because of it.
Want to take the first step? Try one of the exercises above and let me know how it goes in the comments.
