Taking things personally can really affect the way we feel.
When we constantly interpret the actions and words of others as personal attacks or criticisms, it can lead to feelings of:
- hurt
- anger
- and even low self-esteem
This cognitive distortion can cloud our judgment and make us believe that everything is about us, when in reality, most interactions have little to do with us personally.
Recognizing and addressing this kind of skewed thinking is essential for our mental and emotional health.
By understanding that not everything is about us, we can develop a more balanced perspective and avoid unnecessary emotional turmoil. It allows us to let go of negative emotions and focus on building healthier relationships with others.
Understanding Personalization
Personalization refers to the tendency of individuals to interpret events and experiences in a way that is centered around themselves.
It is a cognitive bias that influences our thoughts and behaviors, causing us to see everything through the lens of our own personal experiences and beliefs, including our inner wounds or trauma. This can lead to a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness, as well as a lack of empathy for others.
In terms of thoughts, personalization often manifests as the belief that everything that happens is somehow related to oneself.
Not Everything is About You
For example, if I see a negative comment on social media, I may immediately assume it is directed at me personally, even if it was intended for someone else. This type of thinking can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.
In terms of behaviors, personalization can lead individuals to act in ways that are self-serving and disregard the needs and feelings of others.
For example, someone who constantly interrupts others in a conversation may be engaging in personalization by believing that their thoughts and opinions are more important than anyone else’s. This behavior can strain relationships and create a hostile environment.
It’s likely that we encounter personalization in our daily lives. For instance, when someone takes credit for a team’s success, ignoring the contributions of others, they are engaging in personalization.
Another example is when someone assumes that a friend’s mood is a result of something they said or did, without considering other factors that may be influencing their emotions.
Personalization can also lead to strained relationships, as people may feel ignored or dismissed by those who are constantly focused on themselves.
For example, in my younger days, I used to take comments personally in a relationship when my partner would say something like, “I’m feeling so sad today”. I would take that personally, as if I were the reason they were sad.
In reality, they were just feeling sad for no particular reason and just wanted to voice it. Rather than hear and affirm their feelings, I immediately took it to heart.
How Did I Get So Jaded? Start Your Journey Back to Peace & Tranquility→
The Emotional Toll of Taking Everything Personally
Personalization can have negative emotional and psychological effects.
One such effect is anxiety, which can arise from the overwhelming amount of choices and decisions that personalization presents us with. When everything is tailored to our preferences, we may feel pressured to make the “right” choice every time, which can lead to anxiety and fear of making mistakes.
Another negative effect is guilt, which may arise when we feel like we are being selfish or self-centered by constantly seeking personalization. This guilt can stem from a sense of entitlement or a fear of being judged by others.
Lastly, personalization can also contribute to low self-esteem. When everything is personalized to our liking, we may start to rely heavily on external validation and struggle with a sense of self-worth that is dependent on external factors.
It helps to recognize these negative effects and find a balance between personalization and maintaining a healthy sense of self-esteem and well-being.
Identifying Personalization
Recognizing when you’re engaging in personalization, or taking everything personally can be a challenging task, but with a little bit of self-awareness and practice, it can become easier.
One tip is to take a step back and analyze your thought process.
- Are you making assumptions about someone based on their appearance or behavior?
- Are you projecting your own experiences onto them?
If so, take a moment to reflect and challenge those assumptions. By being mindful of your language and thought patterns, you can become more aware of when you’re engaging in personalization and work towards embracing a more inclusive mindset.
Self-awareness is a powerful tool that can help us combat cognitive distortions, such as personalization.
When we are self-aware, we are able to recognize and understand our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This awareness allows us to identify when we are engaging in personalization.
By being aware of this cognitive distortion, we can challenge and question our automatic assumptions, helping us to see situations more objectively. Self-awareness also enables us to recognize our own strengths and limitations, allowing us to respond to situations in a more balanced and rational manner.
Challenging Personalization
We can challenge this mindset and develop strategies to overcome personalization.
One effective approach is cognitive restructuring. This involves identifying and challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more rational and realistic ones. By recognizing that not everything is about us, we can reframe our thinking and reduce the tendency to personalize.
Another technique is reframing, which involves looking at situations from a different perspective.
This can help us see that there are multiple factors at play and that we are not solely responsible for the outcome. By practicing these strategies and exercises, we can challenge personalization and develop a healthier mindset.
Shifting From Self-Blame to a More Objective Perspective
It’s natural to feel self-blame when things don’t go as planned or mistakes are made.
However, remember that self-blame is not productive and can hinder personal growth. To shift from self-blame to a more objective perspective, start by acknowledging your feelings and allowing yourself to process them.
Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and it’s a part of being human.
Next, try to analyze the situation objectively, focusing on the factors that were within your control and those that were not. This will help you gain a more balanced perspective.
Don’t forget to practice self-compassion and forgiveness as well. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend who made a mistake.
Navigating Personalization in Relationships
While personalizing interactions can lead to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships, it’s equally important not to take every situation or comment as a personal attack.
One way to do this is by developing self-awareness and recognizing our own triggers and patterns.
I had to do this when someone would share their negative feelings with me. I would immediately make it about me, that I was responsible for their emotions, but in reality, this was a reaction from me in response to unresolved trauma.
But as I began understanding myself better, I became less reactive when it came to the actions and words of others.
Additionally, it helps to practice empathy and put ourselves in the shoes of the other person.
This allows us to gain a broader perspective and not immediately assume that everything is about us.
Effective communication helps too. Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, have open and honest conversations with loved ones in order to clarify any misunderstandings or address any concerns.
By being mindful of personalization, we can foster stronger and more harmonious relationships.
Breaking Free From the Perils of Personalization
In a nutshell, personalization can be a roadblock, but it’s not insurmountable.
The bottom line is this: self-awareness is your secret weapon to recognize and tackle personalization tendencies.
Remember, not everything revolves around you, as people have their own stuff going on.
So, practice empathy and consider their point of view. The game plan for conquering personalization involves setting achievable goals, seeking support from loved ones or professionals, and prioritizing self-care to boost your self-esteem and resilience.
Are You Taking Everything Personally? Resources for Further Help
If you’d like to learn more, check out the following resources on the topic.
It’s Time To Stop Taking Things Personally – Psychology Today
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Brené Brown explores the power of vulnerability and the impact of shame and perfectionism, which can contribute to personalization. This book helps you embrace imperfections.
The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer
This book explores the concept of the inner voice and how it affects our sense of self. It provides practical advice on releasing personalization and finding inner peace.
Editor’s note: This article was originally published Oct 18, 2023 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
Photo by Chevanon Photography
