Do you catch yourself craving someone else’s approval to feel good about yourself?
Maybe it’s a partner, a friend, or even a colleague. Their disapproval feels like rejection, leaving you questioning your worth. If that resonates, you’re not alone – it’s a cycle many of us find ourselves in.
But constantly seeking external validation isn’t just exhausting; it’s also a sign that you may be neglecting the most important relationship of all – the one you have with yourself.
For years, I lived in this approval-seeking trap, allowing my happiness to depend on others’ validation.
It wasn’t until I started doing the inner work of self-love and self-approval that I realized something life-changing: the peace and fulfillment I sought couldn’t come from anyone else. They had to come from within.
This journey toward self-love isn’t easy, but it’s powerful.
It means:
- recognizing your worth
- setting boundaries
- learning to meet your own emotional needs
In this article, we’ll explore how to shift from seeking approval to cultivating self-love, offering you tools and insights to reclaim your power and start living a life rooted in confidence, balance, and genuine happiness.
Are you ready to put yourself first and embrace the amazing person you already are?
Self-Approval/Self-Love: How Much Do You Have?
Do you love yourself? Do you really? Here’s a good way to know if you do or not.
When someone – let’s say a significant other – disapproves of something you say or do, do you tailspin into a “woe is me” party? Do you feel awful and rejected?
If so, chances are you’ve been trying to fill yourself up with their approval.
That used to be how I lived my life, struggling with codependent behaviors in various relationships.
I walked willingly into a toxic relationship and allowed that toxicity to mess my life up. I ended up on an emotional rollercoaster with a somewhat emotionally absent partner and unknowingly tried to have my inner void filled by this person.
It didn’t work.
Once I realized I was doing this, I began working on increasing my self-love and creating a life outside of my partner – even though that was met with jealousy and control.
Doing Inner Healing Work
Once I started to dig into doing the inner healing work that had long been overdue, I learned how to love and stand up for myself. I decided that it was alright if my partner didn’t agree with me or see eye to eye on things. I was still enough, and I still loved myself.
It was a great feeling.
If you’re trying to feel satisfied and fulfilled by getting someone else’s approval, it’s like sitting down eating imaginary food to satiate your ravenous appetite.
No matter how much you eat, you won’t satiate it! You’ll never get full! So if you’re trying to feel good by gaining compliments, attention, approval, etc. from someone else, you’re going to fail.
You might get a temporary fix, but that’s it.
It’s temporary.
What you really seek is the love and beauty that exists deep inside you. Your authentic beauty!
- You are worthy.
- You are beautiful.
Not because of anything you have done. Not because you look a certain way, have a certain job, or anything else.
You are worthy because you are alive.
Why You Need to Heal the Past to Clear the Way for Future Success
Work on Loving Yourself
When it comes to self-love, think about it like this:
- Whatever adds to your well-being is good, and is an act of self-love – no matter how difficult or painful it may seem in the short term.
- Those things that subtract from your well-being are not acts of self-love – no matter how easy or pleasurable they may seem in the short term. (Including waiting for approval to feel good about yourself.)
That is to say, self-love involves doing things that will be of benefit to you in the long run.
Self-love is really an awareness and appreciation of yourself which leads to decisions and actions that bring about more physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. It means avoiding things that hamper your growth and limit your overall happiness.
How you interact with other people is also a reflection of how much you love yourself.
For example, if you do things that hurt and make you unhappy to please other people and get their approval, it points to you not loving yourself enough.
Self-love points out the need to not harm yourself in your actions. It means caring for yourself enough to nurture yourself. It means being there for you.
When we practice self-love, we create a life we choose ourselves – a life that makes us happy.
A huge part of self-love comes from having self-worth – which means seeing ourselves as important, and finding our own approval with what we do and how we live.
Don’t Think You’re Good Enough? Change Your Thoughts & Increase Your Self-Worth
17 Ways to Practice Self-love
Thus, in order to love yourself, you need to:
- Stop comparing yourself to others
- Speak positively to and about yourself
- Forgive your past mistakes and shortcomings
- Give yourself permission to follow your passions
- Remove toxic people from your life
- Practice gratitude
- Set healthy and helpful goals
- Avoid perfectionism, but pursue constant improvement
- Change your internal script. Purge your mind of all the negative and limiting beliefs you have about yourself
- Keep track of all your past successes, and praise yourself
- Be patient with yourself
- Accept your limitations and quirks
- Stop worrying about other people’s opinion and criticism – but be open to helpful feedback
- Learn to properly process your fears and worries
- Set boundaries (know when/where to stop, and when/where to stop others)
- Listen to your body – your health is crucial
- Visit a therapist if need be – and talk about your challenges
You practice self-love (And self-approval) when you become mindful of your thoughts and actions, exercise healthy self-care and begin to look to yourself for that feeling of satisfaction you’ve been looking to others for.
Filling Emotional Needs
Your partner (And other people in general) cannot and should not be the only one filling your emotional needs.
If you are looking solely to them for that, you set both of you up for a roller coaster ride of emotions.
It is not someone else’s job to “make” you feel happy. I know this is easier said than done because we DO want approval! But to spend so much time and effort simply trying to get it from someone else is not healthy.
When you do this, you give your power away. You give the other person free reign over your emotional life.
Don’t Give Away Your Power
I now do my best to never give anyone that place and power again – and you don’t have to either. As you begin your practice of breaking away from craving that approval from others, write down and use these mantras.
They can help you remember your own strength, worth and ability to satisfy your own needs.
- It is my responsibility to create a life that rocks.
- It’s my responsibility it be happy regardless of what anyone else thinks.
- It is my responsibility to remember that I am loved and I am enough.
Will you always get it perfect? No.
Sometimes, I still find myself seeking approval or attention, but I catch it early on. I also don’t tailspin into emotional mayhem if I don’t get it. It’s been a learning process over the last decade or so, but it’s been well worth the effort I’ve put in.
What about you? Do you think you’re addicted to approval from others?
Editor’s note: This article was originally published Nov 5, 2023 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
Photo by Silver Works
