Have you ever wondered why you interact with people the way you do?
Why you navigate and handle relationships in that particular manner?
Well, I did too and found my answers in developmental psychology.
I am a firm believer that the relationships we have with our primary caregivers and parents have a huge impact on what we consider normal when interacting with other people.
Attachment theory, formulated by John Bowlby and expanded on by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our childhood experiences imprint on us and determine our attachment styles.
The four attachment styles are:
- Secure attachment style
- Anxious or ambivalent attachment style
- Avoidant-dismissive attachment style
- Disorganised attachment style
They are all interesting in their ways, and they all affect our relationships differently.
Related article: The 4 Attachment Styles: How Can They Affect Your Relationships?
This article will focus on the anxious attachment style, particularly how one can move to a more secure attachment style and enjoy better relationships.
Signs of Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment lives in the future, and it is like a dark cloud of negative anticipations, most of which we don’t even have proof or evidence of. When you have this attachment style, you:
- Aren’t comfortable to be on your own
- Have a hard time setting boundaries
- Are dependent on other people
- Need validation from other people
- Have a tense desire for closeness
- Feel like you always have to be in the ‘loop’.
- Tend to get jealous when people you love have other connections with others
- Have low self-esteem
- Ask a lot of questions about what other people think about you
- Have extreme fear of abandonment
- Disrespect other people’s boundaries
Unfortunately, when you have an anxious attachment style, it is easy for you to chase away people you love. This is because you tend to be co-dependent and ‘clingy’. That is exhausting for the other person.
So, instead of expecting everyone around you to embrace your attachment style, it might be best for you to work on improving yourself and achieving a secure attachment style that will make it easier for you to create and maintain relationships.
4 Tips You Can Use to Overcome an Anxious Attachment Style
1. Recognize your attachment style.
The first step in understanding and working on your attachment style is to recognize it.
You can only start working on yourself if you have noticed that there is something that needs to be worked on.
In some cases, you might need to go to therapy or do some work on yourself to uncover how your childhood experiences shaped your attachment styles.
Pay close attention to your relationships and interactions with others. Remove the self-righteous lens, and you might see things differently. We aren’t as perfect as we think we are.
2. Communicate your needs.
Being a people pleaser is one of the trademarks of the anxious attachment style.
When you look back, you will realize that sometimes you fail to communicate your needs because you’re worried that if you do, you might push people away.
Because you don’t want to come across as an ‘inconvenience’, you don’t voice your needs. Learn to express yourself. You might need to start small and gradually improve. That is fine; we all start somewhere.
3. Overthink less.
As I mentioned earlier, people with anxious attachment styles have a skewed anticipation of the future.
They overthink almost everything and assume that everything will take a turn for the worse. This is how they become prisoners of their own thoughts.
Regulating your thoughts and becoming less critical of everything is not easy, but it can be done.
Mindfulness and journaling can be valuable tools as they will help you to become more aware of your thinking patterns and you can be more intentional about adjusting them.
Silencing Your Inner Critic: 5 Strategies for Cultivating a Kinder Inner Dialogue
4. Seek help.
Going on this journey will not be easy, but it is essential to remember that you are not alone.
There are people who have walked down the road you are embarking on, and some have been trained to help people like you.
Surround yourself with people who are willing to support your changes and growth without taking offence to the changes you will be making.
Moreover, there are so many resources online and books that you can read to get more insight and understand where you are coming from and where you are going.
When you have adequate support, the journey towards achieving a more secure attachment style definitely becomes more manageable.
The Top 10 Personal Development Books to Help You Start Your Journey
People Can Change
People are born as they are, but people make themselves into who they want to be.
We have the responsibility and power to mold ourselves into the people we want to be, and our past does not have to define who we become.
As we become secure, we:
- Develop clear communication skills and directly communicate what they want
- Become comfortable with themselves
- Trust others more
- Show empathy
- Know where to compromise and where to say no
When you continuously like how you want to be, your brain will eventually create pathways that allow you to be your desired version.
In this case, to be more secure. Just as we don’t develop our attachment styles over night, changing them also takes time!
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto
