There are some habits and behaviors that make it difficult for us to live with others.
We’re talking the people who interrupt or cause drama everywhere they go. Those passive-aggressive folks, or the ones who make every conversation about themselves.
Behaviors like this can be labeled toxic to be sure, but they also happen to be socially destructive, meaning they can hurt us when it comes to connecting with others and building relationships.
Is it for the sake of politeness that we can identify them, but let them slide? They may cause us to keep our distance from people who present them. Or maybe we simply choose to turn a blind eye, normalizing them.
- What happens when you realize it’s you who demonstrates these habits?
- Are you pushing people away without even realizing it?
- Are you damaging your relationships because no one has brought them to your attention?
Over time, ignoring these behaviors just makes them worse, and their negative impact on others also grows.
Recognizing these socially destructive habits is essential, and a step towards protecting your well-being. Moreso, it also helps us become self-aware and adjust our own habits where necessary.
So, let’s take a look at five common socially destructive traits – and what you can do about them, whether it’s you facing someone who demonstrates them, or how to build awareness if it’s you who displays them.
Socially Destructive Behavior #1: Interrupting others when they speak.
Listen, we all have topics we’re passionate about and can talk about any time and any day.
But, when you’re talking, and someone interrupts, not only is it rude, it’s also disrespectful. When we are constantly interrupted while talking, it can crush our self-esteem, making us believe that what we’re saying isn’t important or worth listening to.
Often, when someone interrupts us, we stop talking and let them finish.
What to do:
In my opinion, this the wrong way of handling such scenarios. Whoever was talking first should remind the person talking over them that they’re still talking and should finish what they are communicating before someone else responds.
Next time this happens to you, try this, “Excuse me Rhonda, I’d like to finish my thought first please.”
Depending on the person who interrupted, they may either not realize they did so in the first place, or, they might think you are rude for calling them out. Use your instincts depending on who it is, but it is absolutely okay to step in and firmly stand up for yourself.
If this sounds like you:
Try to be more mindful when you’re talking to people. If you find yourself wanting to jump in, instead, put a pin in your thought and wait until they finish.
Better yet, stop worrying about what you’re going to say, and actively listen to them. Think of questions you can ask them about what they’re saying. Doing this makes them feel interesting, and will help nurture relationships.
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Socially Destructive Behavior #2: Making everything about themselves.
I’m sure we’ve all had at least one encounter where we’re sharing something about ourselves and someone immediately twists the conversation to talk about how they have had a similar experience or a worse one.
When you talk about your win, they also bring up their wins, which are in most cases irrelevant to yours.
When you’re sharing a personal story or even a traumatic experience, they bring up their tale, which is supposed to be better than yours.
This socially destructive behavior invalidates our experiences and gets in the way of us communicating what is important to us and from getting the support we need from people around us.
Conversations around such people turn to battles for attention and compassion when that should not be the case.
What to do:
The other person may not even realize they’re doing this.
The best way to address it is to be honest with them about how it makes you feel. Probably not in the exact moment it happens, but read the room here.
When it’s just the two of you, bring it up and say something to the effect of:
- “Pete, I know you’ve done some amazing stuff too, but sometimes I just need you to cheer for me without comparing yourself,” or,
- “I don’t know if you realize you’re doing this, but when you respond to my wins with a story of how you did something the same or better, it makes me feel like you don’t care/aren’t listening.”
If nothing else, this can open a conversation about the issue, and hopefully, it leads to some connection and communication that can bring you closer. Otherwise, you displayed emotionally mature behavior and set your boundaries.
If this sounds like you:
Be honest with yourself.
- Are you doing this because you’re trying to connect with people, and show them you have a lot in common?
- Does it make you feel important to share your accomplishments in this way?
Again, practice a little empathy here. When you come across as though you are just trying to one-up the other person, it demeans their excitement and accomplishment. As a result, they’ll probably just start sharing less with you.
How would you feel if you finally got that promotion, or lost those last few pounds, or finished a really tough book and someone else trumped you?
Remember that there is a time and place to celebrate others, and you have a time for that too! Just make sure you’re not stealing someone else’s thunder.
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Socially Destructive Behavior #3: Creating drama.
Some people always seem to be followed by drama – or maybe they’re the ones who create it in the first place.
They’re always on a mission to stir something up, and gossiping is a favorite tool in their arsenal. Most of the conversations we have with such people revolve around what is happening in other people’s lives or what someone said. It seems almost impossible to just chat about the present.
People who love drama always have tea about everyone, and the moment you turn your back, they’ll have something to say about you too. Surrounding ourselves with such people can be exhausting and result in a spiral of emotional chaos.
What to do:
These people often speak confidently, and at the end of the day, it becomes difficult to separate the fibs from the facts.
If you know someone who acts this way, bring it to their attention and tell them it bothers you. You may find they are less inclined to gossip when not in a group, and they may give you a straight answer. Even if they are not receptive to your attempt, you bringing it up means you called out the behavior, made it clear you’re not okay with it, you set a boundary for that behavior in the future.
If this sounds like you:
If you recognize yourself in this behavior, stop and think why you do it.
- Are you trying to get attention?
- Are you deflecting from things you don’t want to talk about yourself?
- Do you feel like you have nothing else to add to the conversation?
- Can you trust these people with conversation that makes you feel vulnerable?
Socially Destructive Behavior #4: They make ‘jokes’ at the expense of others.
There is a fine line between laughing at someone and laughing with someone.
Unfortunately, some people just don’t recognize this line.
Putting others down and having them as the butt of your joke borders on bullying, and it also says a lot about your character. Not many people want to be around such a person.
What to do:
We simply have to tell these people to cut it out because their ‘jokes’ are not funny, and there is no need for anyone to laugh at the expense of another person’s self-esteem, whether they are around or absent.
Does this sounds like you?
If it’s you making jokes about others, pay attention to how your words are hitting. Try to put yourself in their shoes – how would you feel if someone talked about you that way.
Go a bit deeper – do you have an issue with this person?
Are you nervous and trying to be funny to break tension?
Socially Destructive Behavior #5: They are passive-aggressive.
Some people have a hard time tackling the difficult conversations.
So, instead of expressing themselves clearly, they do so indirectly, showing signs of resentment or silent treatment. Their attitude towards the people around them can be hostile and harsh.
In some cases, people who are passive-aggressive become increasingly frustrated when no one addresses the issues that they haven’t communicated.
What to do:
If you know someone who displays this kind of behaviour, try directly addressing them in a private scenario. You could say something like, “I noticed you seem off, is there anything you’d like to talk about? I’m here to listen.”
This approach can disarm any hurt feelings or frustration, and show them you’re paying attention to them. It could open up a conversation to clear the air.
If this sounds like you:
Are you acting passive-aggressively? The next time you get frustrated or feel yourself becoming resentful or hurt, remember that people cannot read your thoughts. If you want something, you need to ask for it, and it’s not really fair to shut people out because they can’t guess what it is!
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Overcoming Socially Destructive Traits
As you read this article, I hope you were able to recognize some traits that people around you exhibit but most importantly, those you also present.
Often, we ignore our imperfections and focus on those of others, but that won’t get us far. Not one of us is perfect, and we have a duty to identify the areas we need to improve and work on them.
The next time you feel the urge to interrupt while someone is talking, make the conversation about you or be passive–aggressive; remind yourself of how it makes you feel when you are on the receiving end!
Photo by Sam Lion
