Sometimes we find ourselves in the dilemma of determining who we should offer help to.
This is especially true when it involves a friend who never seems to be there when we need them and an acquaintance who has helped us out of a difficult situation.
When questions like this come up, one can’t help but wonder, is the person in question our friend? Isn’t the person who helped us when we were in need more deserving of the title, “friend”, rather than the other person we’ve just known longer?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a friend as, “a person who HELPS or SUPPORTS someone or something.”
A friend is someone who we know and can trust. We expect them to be there for us at all times, therefore they would also expect us to be there for them in their time of need.
Friendship runs way beyond sharing a drink and going on luxury vacations together. The real essence of a friendship is to support and help each member of the relationship.
Unfortunately, the word “friendship” can be misunderstood, and every acquaintance is now regarded as a friend.
A friend who cannot help in a time of need (especially when he/she is capable of helping) is not really a friend. And such relationships should be considered unhealthy.
In order to make things clearer, let’s examine what a “good” and a “fake” friend really look like.
4 Ways to Know You Have a Good Friend
1. Supportiveness
When you’re passing through difficult times, it’s always comforting to know that you have someone who stands right by you all through that time.
Good friends are always supportive and ready to help in whatever capacity that they can. They are there for you no matter what.
2. Trustworthiness
Being trustworthy is an important trait for a good friend.
During times of difficulty, friends need people who they can confide in and are sure that their secrets are safe with them. When a friend cannot keep your information private, then that’s a red flag!
3. Honesty
A good friend is totally honest and open.
They don’t lie or try to manipulate you in order to get you to do what they want. Keeping things from a friend or doing things behind their back that they may later find out about is not a quality of a good friend.
4. No Judgment
It is important to have someone who accepts you, loves you the way you are, and doesn’t judge you.
They may not agree with your decision or actions all the time, but they honestly air their opinions or thoughts respectfully.
Being in a healthy friendship requires trust, honesty, and equal participation and contributions from both parties, or else it becomes one-sided, and consequently unhealthy.
6 Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship
1. Stress And Fear
If you dread being around them, and are always watchful of what you say or do to avoid triggering them or having them start more drama; then you might be in an unhealthy friendship.
Friendship is there to help you relax and drop your defenses, not make you stressed and fearful.
2. Mistrust
If you fear your friends might betray you – so you find yourself keeping secrets from them, or fear they are keeping secrets from you – you might be in an unhealthy friendship.
You should be able to know (or at least understand) your friends enough to trust that they would act in your best interest, whether you’re around or not.
3. Isolation
If you feel a deep sense of isolation instead of companionship in the relationship, it might be a sign your friendship is fake.
Maybe they don’t visit, or there is always an excuse when you need their company. Chances are, if you feel a void when you’re around them, it’s definitely a red flag.
4. Lack of Support
If a friend won’t help you in times of need, especially when they are capable of doing so, it is a warning sign.
You should be able to go out of your way for your friends and have that reciprocated for you.
5. Lack of Boundaries
If friends don’t know when to stop – if they keep intruding into your private and family affairs – for example…
- setting up dates you didn’t ask for
- applying for jobs you don’t want or need
- talking to your spouse on your behalf
- setting you up for something you are not ready for
- are always demanding you do their “duty” for them
…then the friendship might be toxic.
6. Jealousy
If your friend(s) sees you as a competition, and would rather win than see you win then it is a red flag.
Friends should cheer you on when you succeed, not become jealous or bitter.
4 Things a Real Friend Won’t Do
How Do You Deal With Unrequited Friendship?
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
A lot of unhealthy relationships – included unrequited friendships – persist because we keep fueling them.
We need to constantly remind ourselves that it is okay to move on in a friendship that has become parasitic instead of mutual.
When relationships become one-sided, and the person on the giving side fails to identify that the lifespan of the union has long overdue, they suffer the brunt of the failed friendship.
It’s important to be able to identify a friendship that is fading away, and amicably end it before it comes toxic.
And many of us fail to recognize this, so we hold on to relationships that are long dead, and we’re the ones who wind up feeling used, betrayed, or neglected.
If someone is truly your friend, then they are also your supporters. When you look at it this way, helping a friend isn’t a matter of choice, it’s the very core of the entire relationship, it is the heartbeat of friendship, and it is the foundation for real friendship.
Updated from Dec 6, 2021
