Valentine’s Day can be a fun, happy and romantic day that you’ve been looking forward to through during the dreary winter months.
But it can also be a sad time if you’re single or in a bad relationship or maybe you approach it overly seriously and get all stressed out about that special day.
To help you with all of that I’d like to share 101 of the most funny Valentine’s Day quotes.
Timeless thoughts to give you a few good laughs, help you relax and make this a wonderful day no matter where you are in your life right now.
And don’t forget to share one or a few of your favorites with your partner, friends, family and anyone you think could need them right now or you know would get a good laugh out of them.
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for a More Fun and Less Stressful Day
“Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.”
– Melanie White
“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.”
– Tracy Smith
“Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th. Get back together on the 15th.”
– David Letterman
“You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.”
– Melanie Clark Pullen
“We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.”
– Leslie Knope
“Uteruses before duderuses… Ovaries before brovaries.”
– Leslie Knope (from the TV-show Parks & Recreations)
“Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
– Jay Leno
“The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.”
– Jay Leno
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
– Michael Scott
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 B.C.: Men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.”
– Kristen Schaal
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
– Dolly Parton
“I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.”
– Jonathan Swift
“All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.”
– Milton Berle
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes & Jokes on Being Single
“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.”
– Lewis Black
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
– Garry Shandling
“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”
– Steven Wright
“The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.”
– Faye Morgan
“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.”
– Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”
– Mike Primavera
“Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.”
– Adam Rippon
“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.”
– Andy Warhol
“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
– Chuck Palahniuk
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable.”
– Neil Gaiman
“My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.”
– Jacques Torres
“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.”
– Bridget Jones (from the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary)
“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
– Chelsea Peretti
“Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.”
– Fulton J. Sheen
“Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.”
– Helen Gurley Brown
Hilarious Valentine’s Day Quotes for Him and a Positive Day
“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.”
– Unknown
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and above all else, make sure I’m not just yelling at you because I’m hungry.”
– Gladys Canby
“What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
– Rita Rudner
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.”
– Oscar Wilde
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
– Dax Shepard
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May
“I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top.”
– Joe King
“I love you in a way that’s nauseating to others.”
– Dinah Mite
“The bravest thing that men do is love women.”
– Mort Sahl
“The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.’”
– George Lopez
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”
– Jean Kerr
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
– Joan Crawford
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for Friends and Your BFF
“What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.”
– Leslie Knope
“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valery
“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schulz
“I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.”
– Holly Wood
“I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.”
– Gerry Attrick
“I am yours. No refunds.”
– Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsley Clarke
“Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh I put up with you. So we’re even.”
– Mand Lynne
“I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.”
– Emma Nate
“I love you even more than I am annoyed by you. Which is a lot.”
– Brighton Early
“If there’s a law against friendship, lock me up.”
– Leslie Knope
“Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday, yesterday you were pretty annoying.”
– Earl E. Bird
“I promise you, I’d be the first to stomp on your lovely, lovely zombie head.”
– Unknown
Short, Cute and Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes
“Love is a grave mental illness.”
– Plato
“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry – but I highly recommend you say it anyways.”
– Sandra Shea
“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
– Bree Luckey
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
– Les Dawson
“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.”
– H. L. Mencken
“I promise to always cop a feel when you’re trying to get ready in the morning.”
– Upton O. Goode
“Who wears the pants in our relationship? We prefer it when neither of us are wearing pants.”
– Felix Cited
“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”
– Unknown
“I really, really like you, even if my resting bitch face sometimes says otherwise.”
– Fay Collins
“Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We’re married.”
– Sarah Kelly
“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.”
– James Thurber
“You rainbow-infused space unicorn.”
– Leslie Knope
“Love is just a chocolate substitute.”
– Melanie Clark Pullen
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
– Jane Austen
“Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.”
– Jay Thomas
“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”
– Unknown
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
– Billy Crystal
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”
– Jenny Han
“Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.”
– Judith Viorst
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
– Lucille Ball
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.”
– Cathy Carlyle
“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
– Joseph E. Morris
“Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.”
– Phyllis Schlafl
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.”
– Natasha Leggero
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal
“Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms.”
– J. P. Senn
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”
– Cher
Want more uplifting inspiration for your Valentine’s Day? Then check out these 100 short Valentine’s Day captions, the 101 inspirational Valentine’s day quotes here and these love quotes. Plus, the short and romantic quotes in this post and these top 35 love quotes for him.
